What is treatment is like?
Here is a loose outline of what therapy may look like, customizing it to your specific needs.
Understand what you want to change (feelings, behaviors, physical sensations, etc).
Identify what present circumstances activate these undesirable reactions.
Identify what memories, family dynamics, relationships or disappointments you experienced earlier in your life that resulted in similar reactions to present triggers.
Create a list of these “target memories” from earlier in your life that need to be healed based on which ones we think may be contributing to present unwanted feelings or behaviors.
Determine the best way to treat those memories (EMDR, or other modality, such as “Flash Technique”).
Treat those memories (desensitizing, integrating and learning from them).
Reevaluate progress and what needs attention next. Repeat.
Throughout the EMDR process, there will be times when you feel resistance to healing from something causing you pain. This is completely normal. When that happens, we will likely pause EMDR and/or Flash and engage in something called IFS (Internal Family Systems). IFS is a therapeutic approach that helps us explore the different “parts” of yourself that may have conflicting goals or fears. These parts often developed to protect you, even if now they create internal conflict or slow progress. By understanding their intentions, we can work with them rather than against them, clearing the way for deeper, more effective healing.
For example:
“If I love my body before I lose weight, I will lose motivation to work out and eat healthy. I need to hate my body as a reminder of my goals.”
“If I heal, I can no longer relate to others with addictions, and that feels like abandoning my friends.”
“If I don’t believe ‘I deserved the abuse’ and that ‘I was a bad child,’ I will have to accept that my parents hurt me and that nobody would protect me. I can’t bear that.”
“If I become more confident, I will want to leave this marriage, but I can’t do that because I have children.”
Without addressing these internal conflicts, EMDR can be slowed or limited by your personality’s internal defenses—defenses that were created to protect you, even if they now feel like obstacles. Many people feel frustrated by this inner conflict, and this is where IFS can be incredibly transformative. It allows you to discover the positive intentions of parts of yourself that you may have previously judged, rejected, or even hated. What once felt like something frustrating, painful, or sabotaging inside is now seen as a part of you trying to protect and defend you.
Once we understand each part’s goal and how it’s trying to help, even if it hasn’t been working, we can find ways for it to still protect you without sabotaging your other goals. This shift, from being critical of these parts to understanding and appreciating their intentions, is often an absolute highlight for clients. It creates a sense of internal harmony, empowerment, and readiness to continue EMDR with deeper effectiveness.
Often it is at this point in therapy that people begin to see their childhood or trauma from a different perspective, because it finally feels safe enough to face parts of their life that once felt too overwhelming. This allows for true integration: you no longer have to shut off parts of your personality, or be in constant conflict with your defenses, just to cope with pain. It becomes safe to acknowledge what’s there and move forward in a way that honors and respects each part’s needs.
And seeing it doesn’t mean you’re obligated to do anything about it. You aren’t required to make changes you don’t want to make. You don’t have to feel or believe anything you don’t want to. You’re simply learning what is there, and then you get to decide what to do with that awareness. My job is to help you build the capacity to see it, so you can make choices that feel right for you.
No part of you has to be rejected anymore. It is hard to put this experience into words. From my perspective, there really aren’t any that are adequate. It is a sacred honor to witness.